The Circus unexpectedly. Seeing someone in pain.

Here’s what I love: The Circus unexpectedly. Here’s what I hate: seeing someone in pain.

Here’s what I love: The Circus unexpectedly. On Saturday afternoon, some new friends of ours asked if our family would like to join them at the circus that evening—in his company’s box! We said “sure!” And drove home to get ready.

The problem was that we had planned to go to Chuck E. Cheese that evening to celebrate Abbey’s straight A report card. Even though Abbey had picked the restaurant, Alexis was just as excited (if not more excited) to go to the crazy-game-filled-pizza-place named after a giant rat named Chuck. We announced our new plan to the girls.

“Guess what!? Instead of going to Chuck E. Cheese tonight, we get to go to the Circus with our friends!”

“Yay!” shouted Abbey.

“Waaaaahhhhhh” Alexis cried. She continued crying for approximately 30 minutes about the change of plans.

Circus vs. Chuck E. Cheese (Also known as “Charles of the Queso” when Bill and I are speaking of it in code so the girls won’t know.)

Chuck E. Cheese has tiny rides, games, and greasy pizza. But, you do have the possibility of winning strands of tickets with your $20 worth of tokens which you can then exchange for a plastic toy worth about 2 cents. It’s awesome! But, the kids LOVE it.

The Circus, on the other hand, boasts hundreds of multi-talented performers, a plethora of highly trained animals, dazzling stunts, entertaining performances, and pretty much a feast for the eyes when it comes to amusement. The Circus is infinitely superior to Chuck E. Cheese. I mean, come on!!! (And we had the added bonus of avoiding the general circus-going public (“the great unwashed” as my dad likes to say), by being invited by our friends for free into their super-cool company box complete with ribs, chicken fingers, mac and cheese, fruit, and multiple drinks and desserts!)

Yet, my daughter was bawling. Was it simply the sudden change of plans that had her so unhappy? Maybe it was because she didn’t know how truly great the Circus is…especially in comparison with the mouse-themed pizza place. But, one thing was for sure, she did not trust that her parents were making the best plan for our family that day.

The not-so-funny part of this story is that I do the same thing. I am rather inflexible when it comes to changing plans (people who know me well are rolling their eyes right now). Yes, yes, I admit it. I don’t like changing plans very much. Having kids has cured me of my most selfish reactions to having to change plans, but I still don’t always “go with the flow” very well.

But beyond that, I have a difficult time when the Lord changes what I thought was a pretty good plan. He’s done this to me more than once. The biggest was in college when I felt like I was supposed to go on to Seminary to get a Masters and then PhD so that I could teach in a University preferably over-seas doubling as a missionary. Good plan, don’tchya think!? Nope. God had another plan. He wanted me to marry a tall red-head and put him through med school and then be a stay-at-home mom. Hmm.

At the time, I was confused by this change of plans. I didn’t wail and cry like Alexis (I did know that I loved the tall red-head after all), but I did have a hard time with the new plan. Mostly because I probably wasn’t trusting that God knew better than me. Silly, huh? But, don’t we do that more often than not…? Don’t we cry over not getting what we wanted, only to find out later that the plan God had for us was infinitely superior!? It all boils down to a lack of trust. Even though Alexis didn’t exactly know what the Circus was, she could have trusted that we would choose the best thing for her because we love her. The more I know and trust the Lord, the more at peace I can be with any change of plans.

If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more with your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him. –Matthew 7:11.

Here’s what I hate: seeing someone in pain.

Any time someone is in pain, I want to do something about it. I rush to hold my sobbing daughter when she’s fallen and hurt her knee, I make jokes in an attempt to cheer a person who is sad. I want to alleviate their pain whenever possible. Sometimes, it’s not possible to truly lessen a person’s pain.

I recently heard from a man who was in the middle of a year-long separation with divorce on the horizon. He is fighting for his marriage. He has absolutely no desire for this to end in divorce. I only know his side of the story—and really none of the back story at all, so I have an extremely skewed view. HOWEVER, I do know that he is deeply struggling. He is truly in anguish. They have three young children who, I know from experience, are also struggling with the situation more deeply than their parents even realize.

It’s as a child of divorce that I would write to this man’s wife and to any couple considering divorce. Two disclaimers: One, it’s impossible for me to make blanket statements without knowing specific circumstances about someone’s struggling marriage. Two, I have such a wonderful marriage, that I certainly can’t comprehend the depth of difficulty possible in struggling relationships.

That being said, I’d still like to beg this wife, let’s call her Sandy, not to go through with divorce. For one thing, I know from experience that it is possible for God to completely rescue and change a person’s heart. That’s what He’s about. We only have to let Him do it—by confession and repentance on our part.

Dear Sandy,

Perhaps I know nothing of how horrible it is to deal with living in the throws of a terrible marriage. But, what I do know is the child’s perspective. The children will be affected. No matter what great pains you take to try to keep their lives “normal”, no matter how hard you try to protect them, and no matter how much you tell them it is not their fault, they will be irrevocably affected if you end this marriage. (Thankfully, God can redeem the life of any child affected by any trial or tragedy. He makes all things new.)

But, before you give up fighting for this marriage, consider this—while chatting with some friends of mine some 25 years after my parent’s divorce, I started to utter the following sentence: “I guess I’d just like to know that I was conceived in love.” I became too choked up to complete the sentence. It’s now sort of a goofy thing to say now that I look at it. There are probably millions of people who have no idea what state their parents were in when they were conceived. It doesn’t ruin their lives, and it hasn’t ruined mine. However, I think my level of emotion over trying to assess my fascination with my parent’s early relationship shows that a child never really “gets over” their parent’s break-up. Maybe that’s just me.

I’d like to beg you to fight for your marriage. Don’t give up. But, don’t give in either. Don’t just agree to stay married. Do what it takes to allow God to completely heal this marriage. I have an idea! Let’s pretend your marriage is a child. About 10 years old, right? Your child has been dangerously ill for a long time—maybe it started out as just a little cold or a rash or something, but left untreated, the child is now in critical condition. Thankfully, there are proven medicines available. There are also talented doctors who can help. There’s even a team of nurses to help with the day-to-day needs. It is possible for this child to get better—not just survive, but thrive! It may take time, it may not be an easy road, but it is completely and totally possible for that child to wake up to a new and promising life. So, would you counsel this child’s parents to withdraw life support? Would you have the child leave the hospital? Leave the possibility of a future? Give up all hope?

Please, prayerfully consider my plea not to let this marriage die.

Sincerely,

Elisabeth Cutrer