Consequences. Spring Blooms.

Here’s what I hate: consequences

A few months ago, I had a brilliant thought. I had probably read it in a parenting book or magazine at some point in my life, because this type of parental brilliance doesn’t come naturally to me.

Here’s the situation in a nutshell—our girls were not obeying right away. They were chronically ignoring us. They did not answer, they did not appear to be listening at all. So, a simple “go brush your teeth” ended up being said more than once and by the sixth time was usually yelled in exasperation by an irate mom or dad. I was tired of yelling. I was tired of them disobeying. That’s when my brilliant thought (or memory from a parenting article) struck me.

The Consequence Jar.

I had the girls help me make up consequences for times when they disobeyed or ignored us. They had great ideas:

10 minute time out

Grounded from sweets

Grounded from TV

Grounded from friends

Lose a dollar

Lose a stuffed animal

Etc.

We wrote the consequences out on strips of paper and folded them and put them in a glass jar. We even included one or two slips that read “second chance” (a great lesson about mercy).

I explained to them why we were creating this jar. I gave them several fake scenarios in which they needed to listen and obey the first time. I told them that if they did not obey right away, that mom and dad were no longer going to repeat what we had asked. We would not be yelling anymore. They would just have to draw from the jar. (Dunndunndunn.)

Fear of the jar caused angelic behavior for over a week. I am a parenting genius! I thought! Not only were the girls being very quick to listen, Bill and I were empowered—we would not have to yell in frustration, or strive to think of a punishment on the spot.

In subsequent weeks, the girls did have to draw from the jar more than once, but Bill and I remained calm and the consequence sentences were served obediently by our daughters.

I am still a believer in the consequence jar, however, yesterday was proof that, while the jar has helped alter behaviors, the jar can not transform hearts.

Wednesday afternoon. Short on time. Tired Mom. Messy kitchen. Homework subject: fractions. This was a recipe for disaster.

I was trying to be patient. I was trying to be brilliant.

Abigail was trying to finish her homework, but she was not trying to understand fractions. She just wanted the answer. She wanted me to do it for her. I was frustrated with her lack of effort. I was already a bit stressed because of other factors in my life. She was overwhelmed with homework in general. She was definitely not in the mood to be understanding fractions.

Our interaction escalated, and I finally told her to take a break and work on her sentence homework instead. With that, she said “Fine!” and shoved her binder across the island knocking off my carefully piled up “to-do” stack.

Fuming, I got up and got the Consequence Jar.

“That was very rude Abigail,” I began. “Please pick up all that stuff on the floor. We do NOT act that way!”

She drew from the jar. Her slip of paper read: Grounded from Sweets or Draw Again. (One of her brilliant suggestions during the creation of the jar.)

“I’ll draw again.” She mumbled.

“Oh no you won’t!” I exclaimed. “You do not get to draw again with the attitude you’ve been having!” With that last sentence, I lifted the jar and intended to knock it on the counter for emphasis. I was angry, but I certainly did NOT intend to break the jar into a billion shards of glass. But,,,, that is exactly what happened.

Glass scattered across the island in much the same way Abigail’s binder had slid across the island minutes before. Glass rained down angrily onto the floor in the same way my emotions had blown out of control.

Somewhere in there, Abigail covered her face and shouted that I was the worst mother in the world.

Consequence #1—I hear the truth from my 9 year old’s lips.

Consequence #2—clean up. It took about twenty minutes to track down and sweep up every tiny piece of glass.

Consequence #3—As it turns out, I did not get every little piece of glass since one ends up embedded in my foot.

And there you have it, the lesson that every action has a consequence taught to ME by my own lack of self-control.

Thankfully, there is help available. There is a way to get a transformed heart which will lead to even better behavior on my part (and hopefully, my daughter’s as well).

What is it? What is this miracle drug that can transform hearts and change actions?! Well, you can learn about it from the trees…

Here’s what I love: spring blooms.

After months of standing there naked, the trees are all of a sudden clothed in the very best Spring colors. To us, it looked like it happened over night. One day the branches are still brown and barren and the next morning, they are bursting with glorious flowers.

However, there is a lot going on inside the tree for it to be able to bloom so beautifully. I’m no botanist, but, I do know that there’s scientific stuff happening inside a tree a before it can bloom. Nutrients in the soil, sunlight, and water all play a role in nourishing the plant throughout the year. But, during winter, it is resting and building up the energy it takes to bloom.

I think that our lives are like that too. When we feed on the bread of life, drink Living water, and turn our faces toward Light of the world, our spirits are filled up and well prepared. Then, during life’s winter, we must rest in the Lord and be still. Only through this close abiding in the Holy Spirit will we produce the gorgeous fruits of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control—including the ability to not smash one’s own consequence jar in a fit of anger.

God is my only hope.