Being a SAHM

We look perfect like this all the time.  NOT!

Here’s what I love: being a SAHM.

Being a Stay-At-Home Mom is one of the best gigs ever…if you can stay the course. 

Now, with both of my kids in school, my days are filled with grocery shopping, bill paying, yoga, volunteering, cleaning, (always cleaning) and making sure I am on top of all the various family events and obligations.   

However, some days, it means that I spend an hour total in transit driving my kids to school, then, I meet a group of moms for prayer time outside my daughter’s middle school.  I run an errand and then decide to do lunch at my neighborhood coffee shop and catch up on my bible study.   On gorgeous days, I get to sit outside and read or write.  Sounds pretty good, eh?  Well, I worked my way up the SAHM ladder, but you can too!

If you are considering being a stay-at-home mom, here are some things you should know. 

#1.  There will be haters who will act like you are doing NOTHING all day long (especially if you are still a SAHM when your kids are in school).  Which, of course, is completely untrue.  Your time and talents are still needed and valued even though your kids are away being educated for 7 hours of the day.  (I have to tell myself this because my kids are in school and I am not a super-woman like my friend Karen who home-schools her three boys.  She is a rock star.  I prefer to prevent myself from pulling my hair out of my head.  Besides, I am pretty sure I would not be a good teacher in general—let alone for my own off-spring who tend to think I have no idea what I am talking about half the time.) But, I digress.  Bottom line: a LOT of people will act like staying at home is a silly choice.  Ignore them. 

#2.  There will be a lot of people cheering you on.  People like me.  And your grandma and your neighbor down the street who has eleventeen kids and grinds her own wheat.  No, seriously, people will actually applaud your decision to be a SAHM.  In fact, one guy wrote a pretty spectacular blog about it last week and it’s gotten so much attention that soon, the entire female workforce will likely quit their jobs to be stay-at-home moms…even if they don’t have any children.  He’s right though—being a SAHM is an amazing career and your value to your kids is inestimable.  You will be surprised at how many people will support you in your decision and (correctly) tell you it’s a great thing.

#3.  It won’t be easy.  (Duh).  But, what good career is easy?  Name a top job that doesn’t require a little blood, sweat, and tears.  But, for real, this will NOT be a picnic in your honor.  [To be clear, I am not addressing the hazing involved in your initiation into motherhood in general.  Stretch marks, sore nipples, constant worry, and sleep depravation are just a few of the job descriptions for every mom, weather they work outside the home or not.  I am specifically writing to you about the decision to stay at home with your baby or babies rather than going back to a full time job outside the home.] Anyway, the early years will be full of cheerios, doctor appointments, fears, diaper changes (always diaper changes), tantrums and never having ownership of your own lap.  Later, you will face sibling arguments, constant messes, and monotonous days made interesting only when someone gets croup or a stomach bug.  Absolutely no one will thank you.  No one will compliment your sandwich-making skills nor will they appreciate your ability to push a stroller whilst feeding a baby, talking on the phone and carrying a week’s supply of groceries. 

#4.  Getting out of the house will take practice.  After months of watching the Today Show from start to finish and lying on your belly singing songs to your cranky baby while he has his “tummy-time” you are probably ready to hear from humans other than your mom and Matt Lauer. 

You will likely start with slow walks around the block while you stop every few feet to stare at your sweet baby and marvel at how cute they look in the sunlight.  Later, you might pick up the pace a bit, but you will still have to stop fairly often to re-insert the pacifier or adjust the blanket. 

However, very quickly, you will graduate to grocery runs, which will be huge, day-long ordeals, but you will return home feeling like you accomplished something even if you did forget 9 items and visit the restroom twice—(once to nurse your baby and once to change him/her.)  Even still, you are doing great!  You are getting out of the house!

Soon, you will be leaving the house for “play dates” with other moms who have babies the same age as yours.  You’ll maybe go to Gymboree with your baby or meet a friend at the mall or a café for lunch.  (It is in the mall or café that you will run into a species called The Working Mom.  She will have the same bags under her eyes that you do, but she will have on a cute suit and high heals.  Her hair will be brushed and she will have on makeup.  You will suddenly feel very conscious of the fact that you are still wearing the t-shirt and yoga pants you slept in and that you have spit-up in your hair.  However, while you envy her for being able to grab grown-up lunch in a café and eat it in peace, she will be envying your ability to snuggle your baby whenever you please.  Every job has its perks.  Try to remember that.

#5.  You should savor every moment!  For example, when your baby is 9 months old, you will enter a magical time, which is as fleeting as a rainbow or a mirage.  I command you to enjoy it!  A 9-month-old baby can sit up, but cannot walk.  He/she is easily occupied with a rattle or a teething biscuit while you eat chicken salad and drink tea with your friend or your mom at your favorite café.  Said miracle baby will probably nap easily in the stroller while you window-shop and life with a baby will feel amazingly easy.

Then, your baby will turn 1. 

This is the end of the wonder-weeks.  I hope you enjoyed your smiling, non-mobile, non-talking baby, because, now, you will have a toddler on your hands who constantly shouts “No” at you. 

This age baby does not sit still and does not nap easily in the stroller.  That means that you will be forced to fit all your errands and outings into the moving target entitled “between naps.” 

#6.  The toddler years will try to break you.  Toddlers are the most taxing humans on the face of the planet.  They cannot survive without you.  They can’t always communicate their needs.  They require just the right amount of food and sleep for optimum performance and a good deal of your time as a SAHM will be spent figuring out this formula.  Another huge chunk of time will be spent entertaining your child whose attention span is about 90 seconds long.  You might be a crafty sort of mom who envisions making pinecone critters or frame-worthy finger paintings with your toddler.  This will only work if you can get the project done in a minute and a half.  By all means, please try.  It will be fun…(she says sarcastically.)

Or you might be the kind of mom I was, who envisions your toddler playing with her toys while you peruse a magazine on the couch.  However, this will undoubtedly result in the magazine being torn to shreds along with your peace of mind. 

The bottom line is that you must play with your toddler and focus on him/her at all times.  The only time you will have to yourself is naptime, which you will live for.  That is, of course, IF you can get your child to go down for a nap.  (Good luck with that.)  When I would finally get 2 year old Abbey to go to sleep, I would usually clean up the breakfast dishes, put away toys, maybe pay some bills or do some dinner prep.  Then, I would sneak a piece of dark chocolate and pour a cup of hot tea to have while I planned to sit and read for a few glorious minutes of relaxation. But the second my bum would hit the couch, I would hear her cranky call from her crib. 

Eye roll.  Break over.

Fixing dinner is impossible because around 4:30, your child will go from “high-maintenance” to Gremlin-type unpredictable, crazy rage.  This will undoubtedly affect you so that you will greet your only co-worker (aka: your husband) with a hasty hello and a sincere plea for help.  Which leads me to an important point:

#7.  Your husband will not be your servant.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  It’s very tempting to treat your husband like a child or a slave and if your husband is half-way nice, he will comply because he will hope that if he does as he’s told, maybe the cheerful wife he married will make a re-appearance.  Instead, try to treat him kindly, as a co-worker, rather than your subject to boss around as you see fit.—Try to remember that he is indeed “bringing home the bacon” AND giving you extra hands with baths and bottles and books. 

#8.  You might end up quitting.  Once you have two or more children, by the time you make it to 4:30 pm, you are ready for quitting time.  I know there was at least one day when the second Bill’s shadow darkened the door, I had keys and purse in hand to scurry out the door for a pedicure or a half-hour at Starbucks where no one would call me “Mommy” 86 times in a row.  We all want to escape when things get hard.  And being the full-time parent to a pre-schooler is one of the hardest things you’ll do.  In fact, I actually couldn’t do it.

That’s right, I quit.

I ended up getting a part-time job at our church for a few years so that I could have a little break from the day-in/day-out grind of being a stay-at-home mom.  This ended up being a perfect balance for someone like me who needs adult conversation occasionally.  So, I didn’t actually quit.  I just split up my time a little.  It was a great decision for my sanity.  I highly recommend it if you find yourself at your wit’s end way too often.  But, pray about it.  You might be able to accomplish the same balance by volunteering or joining a mom’s group, exercise class and/or bible study, which has childcare provided.  OR, if you can afford it, you could find a mothers-day out program that gives you a day or two each week for a break and gives your child friends and a whole room full of new toys to play with.  It’s a win-win! 

#9.  Finding balance is key.  If you can’t afford to send your toddler to mother’s-day-out, then I hope you will find a nice rhythm of activity each day.  Before I went back to work part time, I had a playgroup that met every Tuesday morning, a bible study every Thursday morning, and a set day to hang out with my mom on Wednesdays.  I probably attempted grocery shopping on Mondays and let Fridays be pajama days where we just stayed around the house and played.  I’d use naptime to finally get dressed because my husband and I would attempt to have date-night each Friday. 

You may be a homebody who is fine with staying in all day every day, but even moms who want nothing more than to sing songs and read books with their babies all day will eventually get worn down when they have multiple pre-schoolers in the house.  Make sure you find a creative outlet and time with adults like a book club or girls night from time to time.  Ask a neighbor over for coffee—DO NOT worry about the condition of your house—hers looks just as messy. 

10.  This is a season.  You might decide to be a stay-at-home mom, but please know that it will mean different things at different stages of your life.  As mentioned, babies, toddlers, and pre-schoolers will take up much of your time, attention, energy, and affections.  You will spend TONS of time wiping noses and bottoms and tying shoes until one day, you won’t.  Your child will poop and wipe on his own without you even knowing it.  He will tie his own shoes.  She will pour her own cereal (successfully!)  My kids even make their beds, brush their teeth, and put away their laundry. 

Your mom duties shift from entertainer/life-sustainer/personal-hygiene-helper to lifeguard/party-planner/tooth puller...then to tutor/lunch-maker/chauffer.  And later, you will be wisdom-giver/spiritual guide/constant listener.  

In these later seasons of motherhood, you will likely have time for a job outside the home, or you may have decided that home-making is your true talent and passion.  There is nothing wrong with being a professional hostess when you are serving others and opening your home and your heart.  

Now that you know that time at home with your child is a season, you can prepare yourself for times to come by keeping up a hobby, volunteering as your kids start school, and/or continuing your education or vocational training so that you are ready for the next stage of your life.  You will always be a mom, but you won’t always be needed by your kids in the same ways.  (Please don’t get caught making PB&J for your 25 year old son because you couldn’t let him go and didn’t teach him to survive on his own.)  Your kids will (and should!) leave the home.  Be ready for each new stage, and enjoy it.

In conclusion, being a mom is beautifully rewarding, magically worthwhile, physically taxing, and terrifyingly overwhelming all at the same time. 

Being a stay-at-home mom is a job like no other, but it will be a career you will never regret.  Take the plunge.  Do the work in the toddler years.  Discover a rhythm, work with your husband, and find ways to take breaks.  Savor the moments and plan for each new season.

You’re gonna love it!