Being Punched in the Stomach.

I wrote a cheery, little children's book about God’s love and how that love gives us confidence and peace and joy.

Here's what I hate:

Then, the sick, scarred earth punched me in the stomach and dared me to say God is good.

Our family has had a crisis of sorts.  I have to keep it confidential, but suffice to say this is serious, life-altering stuff. 

As I sat here tonight processing this illness that has befallen a family member, I began to be angry with God.  Why would He allow this tragic and confusing thing to happen!? 

My brain jumped the track and saw girls enslaved to sex-traffickers where they are abused and “used” multiple times per day.  How can God allow it!?  Cancer, liver disease, chronic back pain, heart failure, depression, miscarriage, mental illness, paralysis, anxiety, starvation, abuse, neglect, murder—all these hopeless thoughts filled my mind.

I thought back to long-forgotten sad stories:

One of my friends faced the death of his father at a very young age only to have his brother killed in a tragic car accident a short time later.  What?  Why!? 

Another one of my friends lost his fiancé in a car accident and was told of his mom’s diagnosis with a debilitating disease around the same time. 

My mind raced with these stories of pain and heartache.  In both of these cases, my friends still believe in and even trust God.  How can they when He has allowed such tragedy to befall them?

What my family is going through is not nearly as catastrophic as those two situations, and yet it has awakened in me a faithlessness that I did not know was there. 

Tears and snot streamed down my face as I poured out my doubts to my husband.  He reminded me that he faces this EVERY day in the Intensive Care Unit.  Children—sick, suffering, dying for no apparent reason. 

Where is God?!

My mind raced.  My stomach ached.  My heart sank.

I called my dad and he told me that this is when I need to decide what I believe.  This is where I lean on my faith.

I agreed on the phone all the while fighting back sobs because…I didn’t believe.  I didn’t have faith in a loving God.  This world is too broken.

This world is too broken.

This world is too broken.

Then, a sliver of light pierced my soul—a memory of truth.

This world IS broken. 

But that’s not how God created it.

God created a beautiful, perfect world with brilliantly designed people to interact with Him and love Him.  But love is not love unless it is chosen.  So, there had to be an alternate choice—love God or love ________________ (the serpent/self).  Eve and Adam made their choice to be their own god and sin entered the Creator’s beautiful world.  The curse was pronounced—a result of the people’s choice…

Pain.

Brokenness.

Difficulty.

Discontentment.

Fear.

Strife.

Enmity.

Murder.

DEATH.

As promised, death was the result of turning from God.

His way=life.

Our way=death. 

Tonight, in my anguish, I clung to that glimmer of truth in the scriptures. 

What God does is good.

What the world is now is fallen, broken, evil.

Evil traps children in the sex trade.

The fallen earth generates illness and pain.

The earth is crumbling, one broken cell at a time. 

This sick, depraved world is dying, but it has a heartbeat.  A slow rhythm, a quiet message whispered to us all: need--need--need--need.

We need healing.

We need protection.

We need provision.

We need restoration.

We need goodness.

We need peace.

We need RESCUING.

God didn’t stand idly by.  He always had a plan.  He would send his son to come make everything right.  Jesus came first as a baby to grow up in the midst of the broken world He would eventually redeem.

He was beaten, bruised, abused, mocked, and killed.  All hope seemed lost.  God had failed.  But, instead, death was crushed.  Jesus conquered it and paved the way back to right relationship with our Creator.

Right now we are being bruised, beaten up, abused, and mocked by the adversary and by this sick, fallen world, and by our own sin.  But, soon, that adversary will be crushed.  Completely. Jesus will come again to rescue us out of the mess we’ve made.  Furthermore, He will make a new heaven and a new earth.  No more crying.  No more pain…

The pain right now is real, but so is the promise. 

I know this because when the very core of who I am was doubting God’s goodness and yelling at Him because of the sadness, He didn’t leave.  He whispered truth to my hard heart, He poured light into my dark mind, He sent grace to keep me from despair.

Today, even though my heart is heavy with the saddness of this earth, my eyes are on the Rescuer!