It's a Hammer, Not a Gun.

Recently, we bought our 12 year old daughter an iPhone 6S.  That is the newest, most expensive iPhone you can get right now.  First of all, let me say, that I am anticipating your judgment even as I write this.  I know you are judging me because that is precisely what I would do if I heard about someone’s parenting choice that I deemed improper in some way. 

We all judge one another when it comes to life choices.  I think this is because we want to be affirmed and assured that everything we do is right and good.  And we think (sometimes rather wrongly) that when something is done by the masses, it is the good and right thing to do.  In reality, sometimes, the right thing is only done by one or two people and everyone else is in the wrong.  But, I have come to believe that many, many parenting choices are not a matter of right and wrong, but of personal preference, circumstances, and family goals. 

The only parenting that can be considered wrong is that which harms a child.  Now, this gets sticky, because you can actually harm children in a plethora of ways.  But, let’s start with the obvious. 

Not feeding them=wrong

Not changing their diapers=wrong

Hitting them=wrong

Calling them names=wrong

Preventing them from learning=wrong

Allowing them to eat poison=wrong

Failing to take them to the doctor should they need it=wrong

Not providing them adequate shelter=wrong

In short, if you are providing for your child’s physical and mental health and wellbeing, then you are succeeding as a parent.  The end.

HOWEVER, we have added a gazillion rules to what it means to be a good parent.  But these additions are so vast and varied; that everyone has their own opinions and interpretations of how this parenting thing should go.

For example, some people would consider the idea of healthy eating for a child to be:  eating a variety of foods, not over-eating, limiting sweets to maybe one a day, making sure they are adequately hydrated, while also not putting either Dr. Pepper nor vodka in the child’s sippy cup.  BUT, some other people would see the term “healthy eating” and decide that their child should only eat seeds and kale and that the only “sweets” allowed would be actual nectar found from the Honeysuckle vines that bloom in their yard once a year.  Still other parents feel they’ve done their job of “healthy” eating when their three year old can put away 2 big Macs and still drink all of his or her milkshake.  Who is right?  Well, in my opinion, moderation is key and two of these options are rather wrong.  But, that’s just my opinion. 

Anyway, back to Abbey’s iPhone.  I feel the need to put this out there in cyber space to explain our choice to the judgy-judgersons out there. (Of whom, I can be the judgiest.) 

First of all, we are finally to the point of wanting Abbey to have a phone number so that we can reach her when we are apart.  That is the basic purpose for a phone, right?  So, why didn’t we get her a flip-phone and be done with it?  Well, in our community, Smartphone’s are both common and useful.  She’s already used her phone to help her with homework (on a legit school website, not Google or a calculator app.)  Plus, we monitor her use of this device very closely.  She charges it in our room each night so that she can’t be on it all night in her room.  We have had her sign 2 different contracts regarding appropriate use of a Smartphone and one of the stipulations is that we can read her texts at any time.  And finally, she has to pay a portion of her phone bill each month.  This will hopefully allow her to learn that things like this cost money.

So we are okay with her having a Smartphone.  But why the newest version for a 12 year old?!  Why not get her a used one?  Well, here is our reasoning:  we are only buying ONE of these for her.  From now on, if she wants to upgrade or if this version breaks or gets lost, it is up to her to get a new one with her own money.  We thought that having the newest one would ward off any complaints that her phone was malfunctioning because it was “old” or used (had we gotten her an older version or a second-hand phone). 

As you can see, our 12 year old did not end up with a brand new Smartphone without any thought or contemplation on our part.  We, as her parents, considered our family’s needs, our daughter’s own responsibility, and our goals for the future before purchasing this phone.  Furthermore, if we see signs of misuse or if we feel like it would be better for her not to have a Smartphone for any reason whatsoever, we will take it away.

My little "sniper" taking a time-lapse video
of the gold coast in Chicago.

As with many parenting decisions, there has been some occasional doubt on my part.  Have we done the right thing?  At one point, I began to worry that this was tantamount to buying her a gun.  After all, she could really hurt others or even herself with this phone.  However, after more deliberation, I came to the conclusion, that it is more synonymous to buying her a hammer than a gun.  You see, a hammer can be used for destruction—It’s true.  BUT, it can also be used to build something.  Similarly, a Smartphone is a tool and we intend to teach her how to use it properly. 

This decision was not made lightly, but as I anticipated encountering some criticism from others, I thought I’d type up our justification for this parenting choice and put it out there for all to see (as if they care).  This also made me realize that it’s possible that I have silently (or audibly) judged other people’s parenting choices without stopping to think that they might have given said choice a lot of thought and that truly excellent parents admit when they are wrong and learn from their mistakes.

Bill and I strive to do both as we wade through these gazillion unwritten rules of what makes a good parent.  Let’s try to help each other through it rather than hit one another over the head with a hammer, okay?