What I am Learning From My Mean Teen

Lately, I’ve been feeling the hurt of becoming a mom of a teenager.  It has been a difficult transition for me to go from having a kid who liked me to having a kid who wants to pretend I’m not here.  I have to keep reminding myself that:

--my goal as a parent is not to be liked and

--this is all normal and

--I’m safe to push away because she knows I’ll still love her and yadayadayada. 

Even knowing all of this is common, does not make it less painful to walk through. 

For example, the other day I took off work to be at her swim meet.  I drove her there and the minute we walked through the gates, she joined her friends and stopped acknowledging my presence.  So, I melted into the background with my book and pretended not to know her as I awaited each of her races.  Near the end of the meet, I looked up to see her walking directly towards me.  My heart skipped a beat. My internal monologue was something like this:  She’s coming over.  Be cool.  Don’t act too excited.  OMG, she’s smiling! (look behind you to make sure she’s not smiling at someone back there.)  She’s actually going to talk to me!  And here is what she said:  (sweet voice) “Hi, mama…would you like to buy me an icee?” 

Yes, that’s right, she wanted something from me.  Classic.

I shouldn’t be surprised. I mean, she went through this phase once already—babies and toddlers are needy, but then they grow into the lovely stage of childhood where they can tie their own shoes, wipe their own bums, and help unload the dishwasher. At that point, their questions are: “what are we doing today?” Even though that question might get annoying, at least they are game for whatever you have planned.  NOW, she is all the time asking to do her own thing (and have me drive her to it and give her money to do it.)

As I became increasingly irritated with this, God showed me that this is often how I am with Him.  He’d love to hang out with me—just enjoy each other’s presence and creation around us.  But, I am constantly asking for the equivalent of cool, colorful, sugary drinks.  Don’t get me wrong—I think it’s fine to ask God for anything and everything because, at their core, these requests acknowledge He has the power to answer and we can bring every concern before Him. 

But, when is the last time you just sat with God? Or asked "what are we doing today?"--i.e. What do you have planned for me? (Rather than, "here is what I want to do, now provide and drive!")

Every time I get irritated by Abbey asking for more, God nudges my heart and shows me the areas I am doing the exact same thing.  Am I just wanting to be with God, enjoy His creation, do His will?  Or am I looking to do what I WANT and asking Him to make it happen?  i.e. give me rest, give me peace, give me ease, give me joy, give me health, bless this project, bless this food, bless my plan and so on. 

Am I building His kingdom or my own? 

It's a process, but I am so grateful He doesn't leave me in my selfishness. He gently hones it out of me while still providing for many of the things I ask for!  What undeserved grace!  I am pretty sure He has done the equivalent of buying many icees over the years.  And yet, He faithfully provides what He knows I need to grow (not just what I want).

At this point, what I need is wisdom on how to parent my teen well and not get caught up in the sadness of being un-liked or feeling used.  (I wonder if God ever feels used?)  And you know what? God is faithfully providing wisdom and encouragement for this season.  Just the other day, a friend called and we played phone-tag before we finally connected at the time I needed it most.  God is teaching me, growing me, stretching me in this challenging time with my teen.  I am realizing what I sometimes ask God for is smooth sailing: a lovely well-adjusted, friendly, helpful teenager that loves her family and is kind all the time.  But when things don’t go my way, He offers me more of Himself, His wisdom, His encouragement, and ultimately, spiritual growth out of these rough interactions.

Tomorrow, I might be crying because Abbey doesn’t like me (even though I know it’s normal), but today, I am grateful for what God is teaching me in this season. 

Now, will someone please buy me an icee?