Unsolicited Advice from a 40-year Old

Okay, on August 8th, I turned 40 and I know that everyone thinks I am old.  30 year olds fear what I represent: the inevitable.  50 year olds treat me as an equal because I’ve basically lived a full life.  Teenagers view me as ancient and children think I might as well be dead. 

I am not saying that I know everything or that the one gray hair I found the other day classifies me as a wise old sage.  However, in the same way a high school senior can tell a freshman a thing or two about lockers and teachers and clicks and what food to steer clear of in the cafeteria and how to navigate the crowded halls, I am willing to share a pointer or two about life in general.  This advice is all over the place: part spiritual, part relational, part parenting, and part life-hack.  I am not saying that I am perfect at these things, I’m saying that I’ve found them to be good ideas to strive for if you’d like to be a better human. 

So, without further ado, let’s get started:

1.     Floss in the Shower—this advice is interesting in that it’s something I learned from a person in their 20s.  Our good friends confessed to flossing in the shower and being one of those people who flosses only the morning she’s headed to the dentist, I was intrigued.  So, I stuck a container of floss in the shower right at eye-level where it could stare at me until I used it.  I have to tell you that I don’t floss EVERY time I shower because I am not that type-A, BUT, I’ve flossed more in the last year than I have in my entire life.  The warmth of the shower loosens up your teeth a little and allows the whole process to be much easier.  Plus, you get to stay in the shower an extra minute or two and you feel like you are doing something productive—because you are.  If you don’t care about or don’t believe in tooth and gum health, then by all means, ignore this life-hack and go about your usual twice-a-year flossing.

2.     Don’t talk about yourself so much—If you are a 16-year-old reading this, (which you probably aren’t because you saw something about flossing and quickly swiped past this), but you will find this difficult to do.  “Self” is what we know.  We are all experts on ourselves.  We know what we like and what we don’t like. We know what has happened to us all day and we are usually willing to tell someone about it.  But, if you can just try asking other people about their lives and listen to their answers, two things will happen: First, people will love you.  They will think you are the nicest person in the world if you listen to them.  Second, you will really start to care about other people.  Thinking and talking about ourselves so much tends to make us self-centered (duh) but when we listen to others, we start to truly understand what it means to love them.

3.     Be consistent—(parental advice!) this advice was given to me by a very wise director of a pre-school.  I was ranting about how we had tried this, that, and the other thing—something new every night—to get 18-month old Abbey to go to sleep.  “Be consistent.”  The pre-school director told me.  “Children like to be able to predict what comes next.”  Just pick an option and do that same thing several nights in a row.”  So, we did and we found that she was right.  By the 4^th night, Abbey was going to bed like a champ.  So, if you are a parent or if you interact with kids, endeavor to be consistent. 

4.     Just do it (and set a timer)—Yes, I stole this from Nike.  But, it fits for what I am about to tell you.  Sometimes, I’ll realize that I have 3 or 4 minor household chores staring me in the face: make the bed, start the laundry, do the breakfast dishes, take the trash out.  I often sit down to look at my day to see when I can do these few little chores.  In other words, I put them off.  Because, really, who wants to do chores?!  But, rather than planning out a different time to do them, I’ve found that setting a timer for 10 minutes and then trying to complete ALL the chores in that amount of time, kicks me into gear.  I end up getting everything done and then I can enjoy an hour of free time or whatever because those things are done.  The end.  Just do it.

5.     Make your bed—it will make you feel better.  Even if the rest of your house is a disaster, there’s just something about a neatly made bed that makes you feel accomplished.  Plus, I recently heard on the radio (must be true, right?) that if you make your bed, you are less likely to find spiders in your sheets.  Ewww.  However, I am not all OCD about this—if you are having a rushed morning, don’t worry about making your bed.  There are some things that can be blown off and this is absolutely one of them.  The world will not fall apart if you don’t make your bed, so chillax once in a while.  (You might want to shake out your sheets before you go to sleep though.)

6.     Be on time—this is something I learned from Bill and I have to say that it’s a good habit.  Early in our marriage, I used to argue that there are excuses for being late—like traffic or flat tire.  He replied that he’d say “ok” to the flat tire, but he leaves with enough time to still be there on time even if there is unexpected traffic.  If he is early, he sits in his car and waits.  Why is this important?  Well, I think it communicates to whoever you are meeting that you value them.  So, as much as possible I try to be on time.  HOWEVER, the flip side of this advice is:  6b. don’t judge people who aren’t on time.  The whole world is not going to be perfect.  So, when your friend shows up 17 minutes late, don’t fume and feel devalued, give her grace.  So, please hear each part of this two-pronged advice and strive to do both—BE ON TIME, and BE KIND TO THOSE WHO AREN’T.  Tricky, eh?

7.     Don’t freak out about small stuff—detours, long lines, cranky people: these things are inevitable.  They are not a personal affront on your precious life.  I must admit that I used to get angry when I’d hit a detour and have to go around or when a line was ridiculously long because they only had ONE clerk working the registers.  I used to feel indignant when a waitress or waiter was rude or even curt.  But, guess what?  The world is not all sunshine and rainbows.  Life is not a picnic in your honor.  Sh*t happens—as ugly as that sounds, it’s just how it is.  So, don’t get all panicky when your lane ends and people don’t know how to merge so traffic is ridiculous.  Don’t boil into a rage when store lines are moving at a snail’s pace.  And don’t be surprised when wait staff, nurses, salesmen, store managers, doctors, hygienists, or even church receptionists are rude to you.  Instead of dropping your jaw in shock, take a deep breath and say to yourself: “I wonder”—“I wonder what made them respond that way?  I wonder if they’ve had a terrible morning. I wonder if they’re dog just died.”  Etc. etc.  Then ask God to fill you with grace to be kind to them even if they’ve been shockingly rude to you.  But whatever you do, quit freaking out when things don’t go your way.

8.     #lookup—A few years ago, I saw thisvideo that showed what happens when you miss what is going on in real life because you are staring at your phone screen.(Yes, I get the irony that to watch the video, you have to be on a screen.)  Not only will you miss out on things, people miss out on you.  They won’t know you and they won’t feel valued by you when you phub them (“phub”=phone snub).  So, for the love of innocent puppies and your grandma’s sweet gray hair, GET OFF YOUR PHONE once in a while.   Now, like I said at the beginning, I am not perfect at this or any of these other areas of unsolicited advice.  I like Instagram and FaceBook and I get texts and emails to my phone, so it is a big part of my life (I even have snapchat because I’m cool like that).  But, I know for sure that I feel valued when friends manage to stay off their phones (not even look at them once) while we have a 45-minute conversation, so I strive to do the same when any human being is in my presence.  Healthy relationships cannot be maintained when competing for attention with any glowing screen (that includes computer, TV, and ipads).  So, in order to not look like a drone, not miss out on life, and not phub people, #lookup and put the screen away once in a while. 

9.     Everything in Moderation—this is easier said than done, but it is an excellent guide to all of life.  Alcohol and food are obvious choices for temperance, but this applies to roller coasters, gum, perfume, and tattoos too.  I recently had fun on a roller coaster, so I rode it again right away.  Well, I definitely felt my age on the 2^nd ride and nearly puked at the end.  Once was fun.  Twice, was not-so-nice.  Self-control in any area is not always easy, so you’ll likely need God’s help to not go overboard on certain things.  But trust me, in the last 40 years, I’ve learned that moderation in all things is a good goal for living a happy (vomit-free) life. 

10.  Keep Eternity in Mind—this advice is especially for Christians.  It has helped me so much to remember that this world is not my home and that things that happen have purpose in shaping my character.  Also, things that might have worldly value aren’t always the best goal: money, degrees from ivy leagues, sports trophy’s, awards, family heirlooms: it’s all gonna burn.  We sometimes get REALLY caught up in what we should do, how much money we have, and where our kids should go to school to get ahead in life.  But life on earth is not all we have.  I’m not saying that money is evil or that we shouldn’t have nice things or that we shouldn’t care about where our kids are educated. I’m saying that we shouldn’t care so much.  We need to keep in mind that most of these things have ZERO eternal value.  They’re just not going to last.  Your soul and the souls of others—these are the things that last.  These deserve a little more attention than we tend to give them.  It’s fine and practical to put your kid in swim lessons, but don’t forget to teach him about Jesus.  It’s wonderful to be successful in your job, but don’t forget to work on your character as well.  It’s fine to weigh the pros and cons of which washing machine to buy, but don’t spend more time researching that than you spend in God’s word.  You might be on your way to an important meeting at work, but a friend calls you in crisis wondering if God cares about them: which one deserves your undivided attention?  Meetings are temporal.  Souls are eternal.