I Was Born This Way

Here's what I hate: I was born this way.

At least, I’m pretty sure I was born this way.  I mean, as early as elementary school I’d catch myself thinking those thoughts.  I don’t think I knew it was wrong, but I definitely didn’t always get a favorable response when I expressed my feelings.  As I got older, I was definitely taught that it was wrong.  The Bible said it was wrong and most people didn’t like that sort of behavior.    So, I worked to stuff it down deep inside me.  I rarely let my words give me away and tried not to take action on my thoughts and feelings.  But, can I help the way I feel? 

In college, I found solidarity with those who were like me.  Who knew so many were like me!?  It was such a thrill to be able to express myself a bit more openly.  We mostly agreed on the nature of what we were feeling and got along swimmingly!  It was such a relief to have a group of people who enjoyed me for who I was—it might have been because they were so much like me, but I didn’t really care.  I had found acceptance and camaraderie, which made life pleasant. 

I did still have this nagging feeling from time to time—that something wasn’t right.  I mean, there was a huge contingent of the nation who thought that my behavior was wrong.  I knew there were people groups outside of my college haven who would want me to change the way I was.  There were even some who probably hated me.  But, how could they hate me!?  They didn’t even know me!  They didn’t know the ache in my heart to be loved.  They didn’t even listen to me!  They didn’t know my story or what I had been through.  They just decided that I was wrong and they were right.  If they were going to hate me, then I would just hate them right back. 

But, I couldn’t hate them.  Something kept me from hating them.  I knew what it was too.  Or, rather, I knew Who it was. 

God.

What did God think about all this anyway?  Wasn’t He a loving God?  I knew He was!  So, I was pretty sure He didn’t hate me.  I was pretty sure He didn’t hate anyone.  How could I find out?  Well, I guess I needed to look in the Bible.  After all, everyone was saying something different about how God felt about all of this, so I needed to read for myself. 

So, I did.  And I found out that I was born this way!  But, I also found out that it was wrong.  My behavior was not right in God’s eyes.  Even though countless people said that it was just who I was and countless friends were right there with me, I still knew that it was clearly making me impure by God’s standards. 

However, I also read that Jesus died on the cross to save me from these sins.  God loved me so much that He sent His son to die for me.  If I trusted Him as savior, then my sins would be forgiven! 

I was thrilled to know that I was loved and forgiven.  However, I slowly forgot about why I was forgiven (to be able to walk with God), and instead focused on the fact that Jesus forgave sin.  All sin.  (Which is true.)  But, a new attitude crept into my life like a ninja.  I didn’t even notice it really until it was so wrapped around my heart and my brain that it would continue to be impossible to remove.  This new attitude was justification.  Because I knew I was forgiven in Christ and that God loved me, I began letting the old thoughts back in.  Maybe, I could just indulge in them a little bit—I mean, Jesus would forgive me, right? 

These thoughts of being excused from my wrong-doing so permeated my life, that I began to think that God agreed with my thoughts.  I twisted the truth of the gospel into a philosophy that would allow me to live the way I wanted. 

Again, what was so wrong with my lifestyle anyway!?  There are countless others like me!  If so many people are in agreement and if so many people struggle with the exact same thing, then it must actually be ok. 

I aligned myself with others who shared my thinking.  We didn’t exactly dig into the Bible very often, but we focused on verses that made us feel good.  We treasured the verses that spoke of love and ignored any verses that might indicate that our way of thinking was flawed—or that our actions were wrong.

In fact, there are many people world-wide who think that my thoughts and deeds are completely fine.  Many go so far as to say my lifestyle is not a sin at all.  They would say that I was born this way and that God loves me and doesn’t seek to change me.

But all of that is crap.

I wish it were true sometimes, but I know it’s not.  I know that it is a sin, plain and simple.  So, it is time for me to come out of the closet and admit to you that I was born…

prideful. 

Pride.  (Were you expecting something else?)  Good ol’ pride—you know, the kind that makes you protect yourself above everyone else.  The kind that thinks about yourself all day long.  The kind that intertwines with judgment (also a sin) so that you can tear others down in order to make yourself feel even better.  Pride that says I’m right.  Pride that feels smug and happy and in charge.  Pride in my country.  Pride in choices.  Pride in career.  Pride in parenting.  Pride in my home.  Pride in this blog post… Pride, pride, pride.

Pride is my problem.  Is it a sin?  Absolutely.  (Although, millions of people who have various forms of pride choose to justify it as I am tempted to do so often.  Millions of people have formed entire clubs and associations with some sort of pride as their link and their goal.) 

Was I born this way?   Of course.  We are all born sinners.  Sin separates us from God.  All sin separates.  What exactly is sin?  Well, it’s falling short of God’s perfection.  Unless you can be completely perfectly righteous, good and holy all the time forever and ever, you are not God.  Therefore, you fall short of that perfect standard.  We all do. 

Jesus came to make a way back to God.  But, He didn’t do it so that we could live any way we choose.  He didn’t free us from sin so that we could dabble in it.  He didn’t die a torturous death so that we could keep going our own way.  He came so that we could have a way to stay in relationship with God.  

When I trusted Christ as my savior, I received two things: 1.  The golden ticket of eternal life.  You know, heaven and all that jazz that people love to focus on.  Yay!  I won’t be damned to hell!  Good stuff right there—and it’s definitely a selling point for Christianity.  2.  The Holy Spirit.  This is one is not as widely known or focused upon.  But, the Holy Spirit was given to help us, counsel us, and convict us of sin.   That’s right, even after accepting Christ, I still sin.  The Holy Spirit both points that out AND helps me repent (walk away from it).  (He also brings joy and comfort and contentment right here on earth.)

Repentance is possible, but only if I agree with God that pride is a sin.   If I say that it’s not a sin, then, I will continue to live the way I want to live and ignore both the Bible and the Holy Spirit who is consistently, quietly speaking to my heart of hearts about the ugliness of my pride.  His goal is not shame—His goal is cleansing, renewal, and complete restoration.  It’s a process and I can chose to participate (or not). 

Now, here’s a question for ya:

Should I be allowed to remain in church with a prideful heart? 

Mark 7:22

And He was saying, “That which proceeds out of the man, that is what defiles the man. 21 For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed the evil thoughts, fornications, thefts, murders, adulteries, 22 deeds of coveting and wickedness, as well as deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride and foolishness. 23 All these evil things proceed from within and defile the man.”

1 John 2:16

For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world.